you didnt know i had herpes?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
