I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
