The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
