My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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