chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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