I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
