We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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