Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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