hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
