Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You smell like stripper and shame
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
