My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
