My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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