Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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