Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
