You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
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i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
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Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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