I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
