why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
