I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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