so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
