pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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