I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Randomize
