I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
