She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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