i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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