I just saw a hot homeless man
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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