I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
