I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
