I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You ate ashes out of my bong
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
