so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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