I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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