The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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