You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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