im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
