I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
