This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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