my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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