I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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