I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
