I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
