if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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