I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
