Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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