Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Those nachos came to me in a dream
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
