I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
