Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
