Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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