The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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