im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
