You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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