i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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