this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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