Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
