u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
