Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
