can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
