So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
