Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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