The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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