I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
